With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you
with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
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read this article 1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
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__ Cabinet Secretary – Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary – Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)
2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check
__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.
3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check
__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors
targets for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors / environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs.
4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
__ Celebrity endorsement.
5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government
If you answered ‘yes,’ please indicate your reason(s) for changing
__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.
Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government